Unguard Your Sex

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Layers of fear, hurt, and anger probably surround the gifts of your deep sexual essence.

Are you able to give and receive love freely through your body? Does your flesh respond to sex with ripples of open delight? Does your deep heart express itself ecstatically through words of beg, moan, and command? Are you able to give yourself entirely to your lover as a gift, opening with your lover, passionately, as love without limits?

Your deepest sexual gifts may remain ungiven, unless you understand the truth of your deep desire. What do you want most in life? What do you really hope to feel, get, or give? What prospect moves your emotions the most?

If your sexual essence is more masculine, then your life is mostly motivated by a desire to be free.

If your sexual essence is more feminine, then your heart mostly yearns for love.

Everyone wants to attain more freedom and love—and when you are open deeper than time, freedom is love—but the predominant texture of your unfolding life drama is determined by the disposition of your sexual essence. More often, with greater emotion, are you driven by the need to succeed or aching with the desire for love?

If you are not sure which you want more, freedom or love, then you may be among the few people who have a balanced sexual essence. If your sexual essence is balanced—comprised of equal amounts of masculine and feminine energies—then you equally enjoy boxing matches and love stories. You react with equal emotion to stock market fluctuations and the vacillations of your lover’s attentiveness. Magazines with photos of naked bodies containing articles about political strategy and how to catch more fish rivet your attention as much as magazines with photos of the newest styles in fashion containing articles about interior decorating and how to keep passion alive in your marriage.

But if you are among the majority of people with a more masculine or a more feminine sexual essence, then you are more moved by either fights for freedom or dramas of love. Deep down, you desire a sexual partner who loves to submit to your ravishing, or one who takes you, swoons you, and ravishes you to overflowing. Someone of your same strength—with whom you break even every time you arm-wrestle—does not particularly turn you on; your most potent sexual longing is for someone who can lovingly “take” you, or someone who lovingly yields to be “taken.” In fact, this play of loving surrender is the gist of some of your deepest sexual desires.

If you are like many people, then deep down you know what you want, but on the surface your daily life may seem conflicted and confused. You want to enjoy untamed sexual passion, but you spend the day stressing your body and denying your heart for the sake of a good income. Sometimes you feel driven by the masculine need to push your limits and achieve the freedom of success—often at the expense of your love life. At other times you feel bursting with the feminine fullness of love-light—or depressed by its lack, unable to really focus your life and achieve your goals.

How does this confusion happen? Why does your career or your intimate life sometimes feel artificial or bereft of great passion? What has happened to your deepest sexual gifts? What is separating you from knowing your life’s true passion, your deepest purpose for being alive?

One important clue to answering these questions: Your sex may be encased. You may have acquired layers of superficial sexual energy around your deep sexual essence. You may have lost touch with your heart’s deepest desires—the deepest purpose of your life—because layers of shallow energy have encased your heart.

As a child, how might you have formed these shells around your heart?

Suppose you are a boy or girl born with a deep feminine sexual essence. The feminine is the force of life, the power of Mother Nature, the light that shines as the world. The feeling of this light is love, and every new lover shines like a radiant dawn. When you are open to your feminine energy, then you move and feel like nature. Sometimes you are alive like a sunny day, at other times like a wild monsoon. But always you are lived by love, or longing to. Because at heart you are love—though you might close down to it—you either shine with love’s light or want to. Such is the feminine.

If you are born with a feminine sexual essence, then as a child you enjoy playing as love and light. You open as heartful flow while communing with puppies and dolls. You enjoy shining different hues of radiance while adorning your body with glittery colors, shimmering outfits, and sparkly jewelry. You want to be seen and felt as love-light because that’s what your essence is.

Now, suppose you are a few years old and your little sister is born. Your parents find her prettier than you. She’s the cute one and now you’re the achiever. For Christmas, your little sister gets the sequined ballet tutu and you get the microscope. Although you like microscopes, you still feel crushed. She gets the bangles and ribbons and you get the encyclopedia. You like to read, but your heart still feels trampled. Even though you are smart, you want your love-light acknowledged and cherished.

Privately, your parents try to reassure you: “Your sister is pretty, but you’re on your way to something great. Prettiness is only skin deep, but you’re going to go somewhere in your life.”

“Yes,” you repeat to yourself as you enviously watch your sister bouncing around and bringing joy to the home in her bangles and tutu, “I’m going somewhere.” Your feminine heart, your shining light of love, is aching to be seen. So to buffer yourself from the pain of being invisible, you begin to identify with your masculine, your sense of direction.

The masculine seeks to be aligned with a deep sense of purpose or mission, to break free and open into success, rather than to open and flow as the radiance of deep love. Everyone enjoys both free consciousness and bright love, but your true sexual fulfillment depends on clarifying the deepest desires of your unique sexual essence.

Because your little sister is getting all the attention for being the radiant one, your heart feels crushed. Your light is unseen. You hurt inside. So to buffer your hurt you begin to identify with your masculine sense of direction: “I’m going to be a scientist.” It’s one thing to choose a career because you love science; its quite another to choose a direction in life as a reaction to hurt, as a shell to protect your crushed heart.

For the next several years, you build a shell of thin masculine directionality around your deep and wounded feminine essence. You become directed with a vengeance. In spite, you tell your sister, “You are pretty...pretty stupid!” Secretly, you are dying for others to recognize the beauty of your heart’s radiance, but outwardly you despise “shallow women” who lack direction.

In high school, you are the girl “most likely to succeed.” Everything about you—the way you walk, talk, and dress—is colored by the shell of masculine I’m-going-somewhere energy surrounding your crushed heart of deep love and radiance. Eventually, you notice that the boys aren’t as attracted to you as to the radiant energy-girls, the cheerleaders and pompom girls, the bouncy, sparkly girls. You want boys to want you, so your next shell begins to form.

You begin to imitate the feminine radiance of the attractive girls. You wear the glossy lipstick they are wearing. You buy the same brand of shapely jeans. You check your butt in the mirror before going to school and learn to walk and pose like the popular girls. This isn’t the natural expression of your deep feminine light, but a craven imitation of a superficial aspect of feminine display.

Now, you have a body-shape-obsessed feminine shell surrounding a purpose-obsessed masculine shell surrounding your crushed heart of truly and deeply radiant love-light. What kind of high-school boy will you attract? Since sexual energies always attract their reciprocal, you will attract a boy with a thin masculine shell around a thin feminine shell around a wounded but truly purposed deep masculine essence.

Imagine you were such a boy. As a child, your deep masculine sexual essence is identified with direction, purpose, and seeking freedom amidst challenges. Your parents tell you to be careful not to fall off the porch—so you meet the challenge by walking right on the edge. Your friends can jump off a six-foot-high roof—so you try to jump off one ten feet high. Because you are identified with the masculine, you want to be acknowledged for your sense of purpose and your capacity to break through limits into freedom.

But suppose your father is an alcoholic and prone to abusive behavior. You assert your direction, and he beats you. You want to leave dinner early to play with a friend and your father smashes you, yelling, “This is my house and you’ll do what I say, or else!” Anytime you present your perspective, your vision, or your direction, you are beaten or yelled at.

Eventually, to avoid the pain of being hurt, you learn to squelch your sense of direction. You learn to become ultra-sensitive to your father’s mood. You learn to flow around him in order to avoid getting smashed. In other words, you develop a feminine shell around your deep masculine essence.

Out of fear, you learn to flow. This isn’t your healthy feminine openness to love. This isn’t your natural feminine sensitivity to life force and energy. This is a shell of protection surrounding your deep sexual essence. You have silenced the true assertion of your deep masculine sense of purpose and have built a guarded shell of feminine caring and flow.

“Sure, dad. I love you, dad.” But the strength of your deep sexual essence withers. Your denied masculine heart becomes weak and hollow. You have learned to adapt to your father’s sense of direction, but have lost touch with yours. In high school, you realize that the caring flow-boys don’t attract girls like the tough and self-directed go-boys. The girls seem to be attracted to the motorcycle bad guys, the football quarterbacks, and the confident class president. So you buy the same cigarettes the tough guys smoke and practice puffing them with tough-guy mannerisms. You learn to walk and talk like you know where you are going. You learn to fake confidence even though deep down you are terrified and lost.

So, naturally, the boy with a deep-but-wounded masculine essence covered by a feminine flow-shell covered by a masculine go-shell is attracted to the girl with the deep-but-crushed feminine essence covered by a masculine go-shell covered by a feminine flow-shell.

Reciprocals always attract, layer by layer. On the outside, he puffs his chest and she wiggles her butt. Underneath that, he carefully avoids confrontation and gives way to her direction, while she reminds herself that knowing who she is and where she is going is more important than being attractive. At heart, his sense of deep purpose remains stultified and her sense of deep love-light aches with the desire to be recognized and cherished.

If they get married, their shells form a tangled union. Their encased sexual essences remain untouched while their shells feel alternately needed and rejected. She wants him to make more money and decisions, or she gives up and hopes to make them for herself. He wants her to revel more in sexual beatitude, or he gives up and hopes to find what he wants in a mistress. She can feel his fear of confrontation and loses trust in him. He can feel her lack of trust, her body’s tension and her heart’s protection, so he loses desire for her. Eventually, they get divorced.

Now, rejected and alone, she builds yet another shell of protection: “I’m going to put relationships on the back burner while I build my own career. I’ll never depend on a man again!” While it may be healthy for everyone to develop his or her own career, to do so based on fear and heart-protection is a clear sign of a masculine shell at work.

He, too, adds another shell to his encased essence: “I’ve just thrown away decades of my life trying to support a wife and family, always postponing what I really want to do. It’s time to enjoy my life. I’m going to travel—maybe to somewhere beautiful like Bali or Hawaii—and just go with the flow. I’m going to live spontaneously. If I meet a woman I like, I’ll stay with her as long as it feels good, and then I’ll move on to whatever comes next.”

If his spontaneity were to flow from his deep heart-purpose, then it would be healthy and fresh, an expression of love alive. But in this case, his need to flow and keep moving is a strategy for avoiding depth, direction, and commitment—it’s a shell.

He becomes a sensitive, flowing, fun-loving man, indecisive and utterly lost to his life’s deep purpose, as she becomes a very successful and clearly directed woman whose heart yearns behind closed doors. Of course, since their shells are reciprocal, flowy men and directed women like this are attracted and get together, only to be disappointed all over again.

Your deep sexual essence may be more masculine, more feminine, or balanced. Begin to open to its depth by first admitting to yourself your deepest desires. In your deep heart, are you more moved by the search for freedom or the search for love? Are you more moved when your lover trusts your direction or praises your radiance? Or does it all feel about the same?

Imagine that you are in bed with your lover, who is quite successful and self-sufficient in their life. Your lover looks into your eyes with deep longing and says, “I’ll do anything you want me to. I want to open and give myself to you to take as you desire. I’ll follow you anywhere.” Does it turn you on for your lover to trust your deep integrity so much that he or she is willing to utterly surrender to you? If so, then you have a more masculine sexual essence. You are turned on by your lover’s trust of your deep integrity and direction.

Imagine, instead, that your lover looks into your eyes with deep desire, praising you from their heart, “You are so beautiful. I love you so much. I want you. I want to possess every part of you.” Does this turn you on? Does it turn you on for your lover to see your true beauty and want to possess you, desiring to dive into the glory of your open radiance and enter the deepest chambers of your heart? If so, then you have a more feminine sexual essence. You are turned on by your lover’s heart-spoken praise and passionate desire for your deepest love-light.

Of course, your superficial shells of protection may speak louder, for now, than your deepest desires. You may feel confused or divided inside. Your accumulated guards and various sexual defenses may resist the very actions that would allow your deep essence to fully open so you could grow to give your deepest gifts to your lover and the world.

No matter how many shells of protection you have, whether you are a man or a woman, if deep down you have a masculine sexual essence, then you will feel free only when you discover your heart’s deepest purpose and align your life’s mission and relationships with your deepest integrity. Then, with time’s revelation, you can live to realize there is nowhere to go but open.

If you have a feminine sexual essence, you will only feel the love you know is possible when you surrender your body open to give and receive love, offering the unprotected radiance of your heart. Then, as love’s power blooms through your life, your yearning opens fully as love alive as all.

What do you most deeply desire to give? What have you always desired to give, despite your imitation roles? Confess your protection, risk letting go of your carefully built shells, and offer the life-mission or love-light you have always wanted to give, from your heart. Give your integrity, your love, your gifts, entirely. Open so wide your clarity of purpose is unstoppable, your radiance of love abounds. Live free, love fully, and die unshelled.

Blue Truth by David Deida

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