Dont Use Your Family As an Excuse

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If a man never discovers his deepest purpose, or if he permanently compromises it and uses his family as an excuse for doing so, then his core becomes weakened and he loses depth and presence. His woman loses trust and sexual polarity with him, even though he may be putting much energy into parenting their children and doing the housework. A man should, of course, be a full participant in caring for children and the household. But if he gives up his deepest purpose to do so, ultimately, everyone suffers.

Take care of the children and the house as much as you want. Just remember that if you give up your true purpose to do so for too long, you are not really helping anyone.

Parenting children, as well as any responsible commitment in love, requires that you transcend your own personal preferences for the sake of the larger commitment, for the sake of service in love. This is a natural part of being a householder. However, you cannot abnegate your deepest purpose to do so, or else you will feel frustrated, eventually resigning yourself to a lesser life than you know you are capable of living.

This self‑resignation will communicate itself to your woman and your children. They will feel your weakness. Your woman will begin to take charge more than she really wants, since you are clearly not capable of taking charge yourself, and someone has to do it. Your children will challenge your capacity to discipline them, since they can feel your own lack of authentic self‑discipline. Try as you might, once you have negated your own deep purpose, your household will become a place where everybody tests your capacity to stand your ground, and you will lose.

Obviously, as a father or a householder, you will want to give your love, skill, energy, and time to your family. It will be your joy, and it will also be a necessity. However, the motive to dedicate time to householding may or may not be symmetrical between partners, and this should be an ongoing discovery for each couple. This motive may change over time for both men and women as their lives grow through different stages.

The priority of the feminine, in men and women, is the flow of love in relationship. The priority of the masculine, in men and women, is the mission which leads to freedom. Ultimately, true freedom and true love are the same. However, the journey of the masculine and feminine to this unity of love and freedom is very different.

If your woman has a more feminine essence than you, or if she is in a more feminine phase of life than you, then her priority will be the flow of love in her life: her core will be much more fulfilled by the love she shares with the children than yours will be. You will also feel great fulfillment sharing love with your children, but if you have a masculine core, or if you are in a masculine phase of your life, this fulfillment will not touch your deepest parts in the same way. Even if you love your children every bit as much as your woman does, your relationship with them will only be part of your deepest life purpose.

What is your deepest life purpose? For some men, their deepest life purpose is their family. If you are one of these men, then you probably aren't concerned about the issue of whether or not you are using your family as an excuse. Many men, however, regardless of how much they love their family, also feel a deeper calling. If they do not live true to this calling, then their core weakens, even if they genuinely love and desire to serve their family.

When you know your direction and are living it fully, your core is alive and strong. Your children will naturally feel this. They will respond to your clarity and presence differently than they will respond to your ambiguity‑‑an ambiguity that results from having detoured from your deepest purpose because you think it's "right" or "fair" that you spend time with them. A short period of time with a father who is absolutely present, full in love, undivided inside, and sure of his mission in life, will affect your children much more positively than if they spend lots of time with a father who is ambiguous in his intent and has lost touch with his deepest purpose, no matter how much he loves his children.

Children learn most from their parents by osmosis. If their father is subtly weakened and compromised, this will flavor their experience of his love. Just as you did with your father, your children will unconsciously replicate or react to the emotional taste they absorb from you. Your essential emotional tone‑‑at ease in your deepest purpose or fearful in the ambiguity of your intent‑‑becomes part of your children's home.

If you and your woman both work, it is better to make arrangements with other families to "timeshare" childcaring, or to hire someone to help with your children, than to permanently compromise your deepest purpose and truth because you feel you must do so to spend more time with your children. It is not the amount of time but the quality of the interaction that most influences a child's growth. Children are exquisitely sensitive to emotional tone. If you are not full in your core, aligned with your deepest purpose and living a life of authentic commitment, your children will feel it.

For their sake, your sake, and your woman's sake, discover your deepest purpose, commit yourself completely to its process, and find a way to embrace your family as you do so. Be with your woman and your children without compromise or ambiguity. Don't use your family as an excuse to be less than you can be. With birth control so readily available, children are a choice. If you choose to be a householder and raise children, you are responsible for serving them with as much authentic love as possible, which you can only give if your life is aligned with your deepest purpose.

Don't cheat your family of your fullest core, and don't use them as an excuse to avoid the work it will take to manifest your highest vision. You can give love to your family and engage your life's work, if you discipline yourself to act on your deepest desires with priority. Then, when you are with your family, you are with them totally, since there is no chronically unfinished business in your life to distract you, and no inner ambiguity about where you want to be or what you really want to be doing.

The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

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