Dont Suggest That a Woman Fix Her Own Emotional Problem

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Asking a woman to analyze or try to fix her own emotions is a negation of her feminine core, which is pure energy in motion, like the ocean. She can learn to surrender her mood to God, she can learn to open her heart in the midst of closure, she can learn to relax her edges and trust love, but she will never "fix" anything by analyzing her "problem."

As a man, you can learn a lot about yourself by clearly analyzing your problems. One of the best ways for you to grow is to use your discrimination, feeling what is causing unnecessary pain in your life, and then changing whatever you need to change. You may notice, for instance, that you are unhappy with your job. You think about it. You realize it is because your boss is taking advantage of you, and you haven't said anything to him. So, you determine that the best way to deal with the problem is to walk up to the boss and say something. You get up the guts, you walk up to the boss, you get it off your chest, and it's over. Problem fixed. Finished. You learned how important it is to talk to your boss, and you've cleared up all the old stuff that has been burdening you.

You probably apply the same system to your intimacy. You realize that you're not happy about something your wife is doing. Maybe you talk about it with your friends or think about it yourself. You realize that your wife isn't caring for you like she used to. So, you determine that you'll be happier if your wife cooks more and massages you more. You then think maybe your wife wants you to do something more for her. So you tell her what you want from her, and then you ask her, "What do you want from me?" You tell her to think about it and let you know.

This seems fair to a man, but it is not. It is a no-win situation for your woman. Why? Because what she really wants is a man who can figure it out for himself. She wants a man who loves her, and escorts her with his loving, without having to ask her what she wants all the time.

One of the deepest feminine desires in intimacy is precisely not to have to always figure it out for her man and guide him. She wants to be able to trust him in his direction. There are some times when she does want to figure it out for you, but far more often she feels your gift when you offer her a direction in your intimacy without her having to ask you for it or tell you what she wants.

Suppose it's your woman's birthday. If it were your birthday, you'd love it if your woman would do anything you wanted. So you think she'd like that, too. You say to her, "Happy Birthday! For your birthday, we can do anything you want. We can go anywhere and do anything. And I'll do anything for you. What do you want to do?"

This is exactly the opposite of most women's idea of an ideal birthday present. Most women would get far more excited if you were to say, "You've got 30 minutes to pack your bags. Don't ask me where we're going, but we'll be gone for the weekend. Everything is taken care of. Just pack your bags, and leave the rest to me. I'm going to give you the best birthday you've ever had."

One of the deepest feminine desires in intimacy (though not in business or simple friendship) is to be able to relax and surrender, knowing that her man is taking care of everything. Then, she can simply enjoy without having to plan it all herself and tell her man what to do. She can be pure energy, pure motion, pure love, without having to analyze all the options and decide which ones are best. She can enjoy her man taking responsibility for the direction, so she can be what the feminine is: pure energy.

Like the ocean, the native state of the feminine is to flow with great power and no single direction. The masculine builds canals, dams, and boats to unite with the power of the feminine ocean and go from point A to point B. But the feminine moves in many directions at once. The masculine chooses a single goal and moves in that direction. Like a ship cutting through a vast ocean, the masculine decides on a course and navigates the direction: the feminine energy itself is undirected but immense, like the wind and deep currents of the ocean, ever changing, beautiful, destructive, and the source of life.

This same principle applies to problems in intimacy. Any time you try to force your woman to be more like a ship than an ocean, you are negating her feminine energy. Any time you talk to her and expect her to analyze her mood and situation to the point of being able to fix it, you are talking "masculine" with her. She can do it, she might even be better at it than you, but it won't make her a happy woman.

A happy woman is a woman relaxed in her body and heart: powerful, unpredictable, deep, potentially wild and destructive, or calm and serene, but always full of life, surrendered to and moved by the great force of her oceanic heart. When you ask her to analyze her heart's emotions, it's like building walls around a part of the ocean and turning it into a swimming pool. It's safer and more predictable, but far less alive and enlivening. Most men have made their women into swimming pools by continually treating them like men, talking with them about their feelings as if they can be analyzed to the point of "fixing" them.

Don't waste your time doing this, but especially don't expect your woman to do it to herself. It would be like forcing you, a man, to read romance novels or watch love stories at the movies. Sure, you could do it. But it probably doesn't touch your core the way it touches hers. And, if she made you do it, over and over and over, you would begin to resent her. If she felt that the basic problem in your life is that you just don't watch enough soap opera on tv, you would think she was crazy.

Soap operas, romance novels, and love stories touch many women deeply because the feminine's priority is the flow of love in relationship. But the masculine priority is purpose and direction. By analyzing your purpose and re-aligning your direction, you can solve many of your emotional problems. But love is the feminine priority, not purpose and direction.

Women do not become free by analyzing themselves. They become free by surrendering into love. Not your love. Their love. They become free by surrendering to the immense flow of love that is native to their core and allowing their lives to be moved by this force in their heart. It may involve moments of analysis, but primarily it involves deep trust.

The best way you can serve your woman is by helping her to surrender, to trust the force of love, so that she can open her heart, be the love that she is, and give this love which naturally overflows from her happiness. THIS DOES NOT INVOLVE ANALYZING THE BLOCKS TO HER LOVING. Analyzing blocks is a man's way. Men love to analyze blocks, on the football field, the chess board, in the stock market, and even in their intimate life. But it's important that you, as a man, don't project your way of doing things onto your woman.

Let her be the ocean. Encourage her to be as free as the ocean, as deep as the ocean, as wild as the ocean, and as powerful as the ocean. Be so full in your loving, so strong and stable in your presence, that she can just let go and surrender the limits she has put on her feelings. Let the emotions of her heart flow unguarded. Let her love be expressed with no limits. Let her go mad with love.

Love has its own intelligence. Honor love's intelligence by realizing that analysis is not usually necessary to serve your woman's openness. Love your woman with your whole body, perhaps pressing her against the wall with your belly and chest, pressing your love into her, breathing with her so that she relaxes her tension and surrenders to the love in her heart, and let her relaxation and surrender liberate the wisdom inherent in her loving. You have much to gain from the depths of her feminine gifts.

The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

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