Connecting Lust and Love

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She Opens Me

Earlier in the day she said something that hurt me, and now we were in bed. In addition to feeling hurt, I was now angry at her.

She, of course, could feel my hostile demeanor. She lay with her arms crossed, her body rigid, and her face emotionless. I was being quite the jerk, and she didn’t want to have anything to do with me.

My hurt continued to fester beneath my armor of anger. Grinding my jaw, I looked at her through tense eyes. She was closed to me, emotionally and physically, and I couldn’t blame her.

But then, she turned and looked me in the eyes. Surprisingly, her body softened. It was as if she was no longer stopping at my anger, but was feeling through it into my aching heart. She stopped resenting my anger and began to embrace my hurt. Her eyes were receptive, her breath full and strong. She touched me and pulled me closer to her.

She loved me. Moved with me. Breathed with me. Her love saturated through my anger, as the heat of a hot bath would relax a tight muscle. My anger started melting. I could feel her love reach my heart.

The hurt in my heart came to the fore and a few tears rolled down my cheeks. Her openness, her strength, and her willingness to feel my hurt helped me open through my anger. Before, I wanted to punish her for hurting me. Now, I wanted to meld with her in love.

I held her body against mine, and she received me without limits. The last residue of my anger was humbled by the depth of her love. She opened herself fully to my heart and gave love to the place inside of me that had earlier been hurt by her words. Her devotion to love converted my heart from animosity to open trust.

Magnify Love by Loving

True sexual and spiritual surrender is not about adapting yourself to what will appease your partner. Nor is it about surrendering to your own momentary emotional needs. True surrender is about relaxing through these secondary needs, both yours and your partner’s, and magnifying your primary desire to give and receive unbounded love.

Do your best to feel through your own resistance as well as your lover’s. Behind all resistive emotion is the motive of love. The desire to give and receive love underlies every emotional action and reaction, including hurt and anger, in yourself and in your partner.

Whatever the emotion—anger, fear, closure—feel through it, breathe through it, relax through it, into the love which underlies it. Then, actively surrender to that love. Open as love. Magnify love by loving.

For Him

Your Woman’s Sex Is Her Love

A woman’s heart and genitals are deeply connected. When a woman’s heart is truly open to a man, so are her genitals, and when she opens herself sexually to a man, she also opens herself emotionally. For most women, emotional openness, sexual openness, and spiritual openness are all part of the same single gesture of trust, relaxation, and love. In fact, for many women, their deepest sexual experiences are their deepest spiritual experiences.

This is why sex with random strangers just for fun isn’t such a big attraction for most women. Because most women open emotionally during good sex, they don’t want to open themselves to just anyone. It’s also why a woman tends to fall in love with whoever she has had deep sex with. Because her heart opens along with her body, she feels love for the last man with whom she has had great sex.

As a woman learns to surrender sexually, she learns to open through her emotions and feel the underlying love, yours and hers. No matter what you are feeling on the surface, deep down you want to give and receive unbounded love, and so does she. She can feel your deep heart beneath your anger and shame. She can feel her own deep heart beneath her hurt or resistance. As your mutual practice of surrender grows, you can both become capable of surrendering open and magnifying love even in the midst of pain and emotional difficulty. To help her do this, remember to enter her heart and body as one.

For Her

Connect Your Man’s Heart and Genitals

If your lover is like most men, his heart and genitals are not connected. He learned sex while masturbating as a teenager alone in his room without any emotion at all. For him, love is something that happens in his heart. Sex is something that happens with his genitals. Most men find it very easy to enjoy one without the other, which is reflected in the popularity of girlie magazines and prostitution.

Be patient with your man. For some men, it may take years of practice to achieve the deep connection between their heart and genitals that is very natural for you with no effort at all. Before he learns to connect the two, his energy will tend to go to one place or the other. When his heart is full, his genitals may wilt. When his penis is throbbing, he may forget his heart. Some men actually prefer having sex with women whom they don’t love. That way, they can concentrate on having great sex without also feeling obliged to love. This sounds very strange to most women, for whom sex and love are one.

When you feel that your man is sexing without loving you, don’t close down. Whereas for you sex grows from love, for him sex grows from physical attraction and stimulation—it takes effort and practice for him to learn to keep his heart open during sex. To you it may feel like he is closing down emotionally. But if you were to ask him, he might say he was just enjoying sex. Instead of assuming that he is rejecting you or closing down to you emotionally, assume that he is getting lost in the physical sensations of sex.

Help him learn to feel his heart in the midst of sex. This is probably much easier for you than for him. With practice, he can learn to surrender into love every bit as deeply as you. Give him the gift of your example. Let him feel your physical ecstasy combined with emotional openness, again and again. Give him a chance to practice connecting his heart and genitals without also having to deal with your hurt at his emotional closure—he probably isn’t too aware that he’s emotionally disconnecting from you in the first place.

Finding God through Sex by David Deida

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