Staying Open During Sex

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She Stays Open with Me

She had an old habit of going inward during sex, especially when she wanted to have an orgasm. She would close her eyes and withdraw, going inside herself to experience her own sensations. As she turned inward, she became completely unaware of me or anything else outside of her own body of excitation.

She asked me to help her remain more open during sex. She wanted to learn to feel larger than the cave of her own sensations. So we decided that whenever I felt her withdraw inside herself, I would stop moving. She would open her eyes, feel larger than her own pleasure, and reconnect with me, heart to heart. Then I would begin moving again.

Sometimes this exercise was very frustrating for her, but she wanted to continue. Over a few weeks she learned to stay open throughout our lovemaking. Even while she was approaching orgasm, she remained open and loved through the waves and thrills rather than closing down and going inward. She allowed her orgasm to move outward, like a gift to the universe, through her body, through my body, and far beyond. She gave herself in pleasure rather than keeping the pleasure in herself. Her openness deepened our mutual surrender, wherein we both gave ourselves so fully there was no inward left to go.

Go Out, Not In

Do your best not to dissociate from your partner and go inward during sex. Rather, go through the transport of your embrace and open as love. This takes practice. At first, it’s very easy to close your eyes and go inward, especially in moments of intense pleasure or pain.

Instead, practice to stay open. Gaze into your lover’s eyes, and feel into the deepest love you can feel. Breathe your lover, and then breathe through your lover. Let your attraction to your lover undo the torque of your inward curl. And then, once your feeling is uncoiled enough to be stable in the contemplation of your lover, feel through your lover into the love which moves the universe, the love which is alive at the heart of all beings.

There are times to go inward during sex. There are moments when it is appropriate and natural to close your eyes and separate your feeling from your partner. But most often, practice opening outward, feeling into and through your partner further and further, until there is no horizon to the expanse of your loving.

For Him

Her Depth Is Who You Are

During sex, it is very easy to turn inward and get lost in erotic thoughts or the pleasure of your own body. Instead, stay in direct relationship with your lover. Look into her eyes. Practice feeling the subtle currents of energy flowing through her body. Is her breath full or shallow? Is her belly tense or relaxed? Are her eyes open or closed? Are her toes curled or splayed wide? Learn to feel the rhythm of her motion and stay with her, loving, breathing, and navigating both of you into deeper ecstasy. Eventually you will learn to relax with your lover as open depth without limit.

For many, depth means going inward. But depth actually underlies inside and outside. The “who” of depth (who you are) beholds both inward and outward objects: emotions and automobiles, thoughts and chairs, energy rushes and river currents.

Introspection or inward meditation is one way to delve into the depth of who you are. Sex is another way, a two-person way. If you are going to go inward during sex you might as well do it by yourself; there are far less complications in solitude. But if you choose to delve into depth sexually, practice feeling into the depth of your lover, the depth of the entire universe. It is the same depth who you are most truly.

Sex is a natural way that depth can recognize itself in another. This depth is openness or love. You open with your lover as love and relax in the depth of sexual embrace. Her body has holes that fit your pegs. She loves to receive what you love to give and give what you love to receive. Sex is a way to celebrate the give and take of love with the whole body, lips, genitals, and breath, allowing depth’s openness to permeate emotions, thoughts, and flesh. The whole-body bliss that results from this perfect fit and dissolution in open depth far exceeds the pleasures of tensing up, going in, and losing yourself in physical intensity for a few seconds before releasing in ejaculation and being finished.

For Her

Stay With Your Lover in Love

Throughout your lovemaking, and especially during orgasm, open outward rather than curling inward. Instead of sinking into yourself, enjoying the solitary pleasures of your body’s waves and ripples, open outward as if your pleasures enveloped your man and the entire world.

Some people need time to become sensitive to their inner energies by closing their eyes and learning to feel within, either with a lover or by themselves. This is a good preliminary practice if you have lost touch with the flows and pleasures that move within you. Anytime you want to gain awareness of your own body, it helps to temporarily close your eyes and go inward.

But when you have reconnected with your own bodily flow and pleasure, don’t limit your love to yourself. Love is magnified by giving it. The more you can embrace in the giving of your love—your body, your lover, and beyond—the greater the bliss of your loving. So, once you have become sensitive to your inner feelings and sensations during sex, remember to become equally sensitive to embracing your lover’s.

Stay with your lover in love. Even when you are hurt, weeping, angry, or in the middle of a catastrophically blissful orgasm, stay with your lover. Do not close, withdraw, or hide. To practice love means staying in direct relationship—eye to eye, body to body, breath to breath—as much as possible during sex, including when you are bursting with pleasure, shyness, fear, or shame. There are times to close your eyes and go inward, but most often remember to go out, not in. Stay in relationship with your lover through thick and thin and ouch and ooh; in this way love works its deepest magic.

Finding God through Sex by David Deida

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