Opening Greater than Pleasure

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How Can I Open Her Heart?

As we were making love I began to gently suck her nipples. I cupped her breasts in my hands and kissed them all over. I returned to her nipples, biting them just hard enough to drive her crazy.

She began to squirm and buck beneath me. Her eyes were closed. Her face squinshed up. She squealed, pushing herself against me, pulling my head against her breasts, grinding her crotch against my pubic bone, breathing short and fast.

Her responsiveness was sexy but felt disconnected. She seemed ensconced in the thrill of her own nerve endings, no longer in relationship with me. She was gone in her own pleasure. She was absent to my love.

I slowed down for a moment and stopped exciting her breasts. I pressed my belly and chest against her and increased the fullness of my breath, feeling into her with my love as if I was breathing through her body into her deep heart. Soon, she re-connected with me, and we began to breathe together. When she opened her eyes, we looked deeply into each other. Our hearts grew full in their connection. I began again to kiss her breasts.

I slowly increased the intensity of kissing and nipping, but this time she was with me, not shut within her private indulgence. As I caressed her breasts and grazed her nipples, her back arched. The sound coming from her mouth was not a high squeal of superficial pleasure but a low moan of deep love. Her eyes and heart and belly and breath melded with mine. Her intensity of sensation was now a passage through which we could both surrender more deeply into the openness of love.

Love Is the Greatest Pleasure

Never surrender to anything less than love. Even physical pleasure, in itself, is not worth surrendering to. Instead, surrender through it, be opened by it, into love ever more deep.

There is certainly nothing wrong with physical pleasure. Don’t avoid it. Allow utter bodily ecstasy to bloom your heart. Surrender through your sensations of bursting flowers and quivering ripples into love. No fleshy pleasure in itself equals love.

Sexual growth involves the practice of intensifying pleasure and desire while surrendering open, bit by bit, as unlimited love and freedom. But if you get lost in pleasure without also opening as heart-spaciousness, then you are limited by the pleasure. You are reduced to a moment of sensation, a one-pointed pig o’pleasure.

Surrender As Openness Beyond Emotion

Always surrender to the largest love you can. Surrendering to less than this is, ultimately, pain. Only love can fulfill your deepest desire. All lesser emotions and sensations are substitutes for unbounded love. To surrender to them is like scratching an itch that only makes the itching worse. The only real cure is the total surrender to and as love, which is the freedom of open being.

For instance, you may feel accepted by your lover even though you are fat, or thin, or filled with guilt or self-loathing. But don’t stop there, surrendering merely to the feeling of acceptance. Rather, freely feel through the sense of personal acceptance, into the most profound sense of open being of which you are capable. Relax as this love or openness. After all, there will be many moments when your lover, for one reason or another, does not accept you as you are. Neither acceptance nor rejection lasts for long.

Your lover may lick your breasts or suck your genitals with such devotion that you feel adored, even worshipped. Don’t surrender merely to this feeling of adoration; even an accidental bite can shatter your precious moment as genital god or goddess. To live free through the inevitable cycles of emotional inflation and deflation, learn to surrender as the openness of deep love even while feeling accepted or rejected.

Your lover may give you what you always wanted, but if you get lost in gratitude only, then you are like a child on his or her birthday, entranced by the shine of toys, aglow in the certitude of parental love forever. But parents die, and toys get old. Love itself, the open surrender of your heart as free feeling, is the only sanctuary untouched by time. Surrendering to anything less, as pleasurable or fulfilling as it may be for now, is chaining yourself to inevitable suffering.

Only love itself, the openness of being, is always true of your deepest heart. Love is always there, alive as your core. In any moment, you can remember to feel it, open as it, and give it. And this takes practice.

For Him

Begin to Cultivate Sexual Depth

Your woman will tend to gravitate to your level of sexual depth. If your awareness becomes reduced to focusing on your woman’s breasts, so will hers. If you want to feel like you are being a good boy by pleasing your woman, she will likewise want to feel like she is being a good girl by pleasing her man. Your reasons for having sex, moment by moment, will determine the depth of your sexing together. For the most part, it is the masculine partner who determines the depth of the sexual occasion while the feminine partner determines the fullness of energy.

If you want sex to go deeper, move your attention from the surfaces to the depths of sex. When you notice your attention stopping at your woman’s breasts, relax your focus in two steps. First, widen your feeling like a floodlight so that you feel everything: the smell of her hair, the position of her feet, the rhythm of her breath.

Second, deepen your capacity to feel into your woman. Do your best to sense your lover’s emotions and the flow of energy in her body. Try to feel her innermost secrets, the deepest chambers of her heart. Don’t stop enjoying her breasts—simply deepen your awareness so you are also feeling much more. This is how you begin to cultivate sexual depth.

For Her

Your Pleasure Opens His Heart

Your man limit the depth of your sexual experience together, but you are more likely to limit the sexual enjoyment: Pleasure is the domain of the feminine.

Suppose your man is fondling your breasts. You are really enjoying it. In fact, he is driving you crazy with the way he is sucking, licking, kissing, pinching, and caressing you. Let him worry about the depth of sex. Allow yourself to go wild with pleasure. Freely allow your body to churn with delight. Don’t think about whether you should focus on this or that. Let go into the pleasure itself, but while doing so remember love.

Feel the tingles and ripples—and open your heart. Feel your man’s care and sensitivity—and open your heart. Cry, scream, bray, and tremble—and open your heart. Let your man practice bringing the sexual occasion into deeper profundity while you practice allowing your body to receive pleasure, flow with pleasure, and demonstrate pleasure, all the while remembering to love. Your openness of love invites his deepening of depth.

Depth without pleasure is too serious for great sex, and this is often what happens when your man tries to deepen sex. He studies “how to do it.” He really applies himself to solving both of your sexual problems and making something important happen. All the while, you feel his lack of flow and humor.

On the other hand, pleasure without depth is too frivolous for great sex, and this is often what happens when you go wild in delight without also opening in love and receiving the force of your lover’s deep presence.

Great sex is both profound and blissful, deep and pleasurable. Let your man practice bringing depth to your sexual play together. In the meantime, practice relaxing into your body’s natural sexual bliss while opening your heart in love. Your man needs to be drawn beyond himself. Sexual ecstasy and emotional openness expressed through your writhing body can be more attractive to your man than his own pleasure.

Finding God through Sex by David Deida

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