Open Deeper Than Need

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Truth: In the midst of the story of your life, you can open now.

The deepest desire of the feminine heart is to flow open with love. No matter how successful you are in your career, if you have a more feminine essence, then your heart will not feel fulfilled unless love is flowing in your life. Deep love. Trustable love. A love that allows you to surrender and relax open as love’s graceful fullness.

You can feel how open you are to feminine fullness now. Is your womb full of soft delight? Are your inner thighs vibrant with life? Are your lips plump with love’s kiss? If you are depressed, can you feel your darkness fully? Is your heart open, vulnerable, blossomed wide with the power of dark rain’s storm? Are you breathing fully while ache saturates your heart and belly? If you are sexually aroused, can you show love’s pleasure through your happy feet, your coy bellybutton, your spilled words of overflowing joy?

No matter how self-directed you have grown, your feminine heart blooms when filled with love. When your lover denies you love, then you feel hurt, and you close. Suppose your heart is wide open, ready to flow with love, but your lover is unwilling, maybe even aggressively unloving. Wounded by your lover’s denial, your vulnerable heart cringes. Closing down, protecting itself, your heart hardens.

Your yearning is frustrated within the walls of pain’s closure. Anger builds. You shout. You make demands. You express rage. And under it all, your heart hurts, wanting only to relax open as love. Behind most feminine anger is the deep yearning for love.

The masculine heart yearns not so much for love as for freedom. The masculine heart dreams not of swelling in fullness but of finally being free, liberated from constraints. One day, if you work hard enough, your burdens will diminish. You will have enough money to do what you want. You will figure out a grand theory and the problems will be solved. You will finish your projects and no longer be constrained by obligation. You will know enough, have enough, or succeed enough so you are no longer afraid of loss or failure.

In this moment, are you waiting for any achievement before you are willing to relax and open, exactly as you are? Is your work-life aiming for “one day” when you will finally be free to do what you really want to do? Do you ever get angry with your lover or children because you feel trapped by their need for attention?

When the masculine heart feels constrained by obligations—even the obligations of love—it begins to feel trapped. The loss of freedom irks the masculine heart. Even if you have chosen your career, family, and intimate relationship, you can still feel trapped by them. You begin to dream of what it would feel like to be free. Unbound.

Understand these different sources of anger: your feminine lover longs for love, your masculine lover longs for freedom. You can assuage your lover’s anger by giving the feminine heart deep love, and by removing obligations from the masculine heart—even the demand for attention—so it can relax open in freedom. But being given what you need doesn’t always spur you to open deeper than those needs.

Your needs—and your anger—can be signals to open more deeply. Why not open more deeply than your need for love or freedom right now? Because you are entangled in a life-story—a drama of needs—that seems necessary or at least significant.

The feminine heart is embroiled in the never-ending drama of love and its lack: Yes I am loved, no I am not loved, yes I am loved, no I am not loved…

The masculine heart is riveted by the illusion of working toward freedom: I am succeeding, I am failing, I am succeeding, I am failing…

You can offer temporary fulfillment to your lover—“Yes, I do love you” or “Yes, you are a great success”—but a few minutes later, the drama continues. If you have a more masculine essence, freedom is blissful, but the struggle for freedom makes you feel important. Working your way out of the trap gives your life meaning. With no problems to solve, you feel free for a while, and then you feel bored, useless, obsolete. The struggle for freedom makes your attention to life seem significant.

Even trivial challenges of constraint and breaking free seem to give your life a sense of purpose. Sitting alone you pick up a crossword puzzle. Resting at home you watch sports. You track the stock market. You feel trapped by life’s dilemmas which resolution you seek. You relentlessly pursue financial success, artistic expression, social transformation, or spiritual liberation.

If you open as freedom now, your masculine adventure flashes as an unnecessary struggle, your need for significance evaporates. You are alive as spontaneous gifting. Each moment comes as it goes open. You, too. Open, and entirely given. Nothing remaining, but open, and entirely given.

And what happens when the feminine opens as love every now? Open as burgeoning love, birthed full as this moment, alive as all, who yearns to feel adored? Open as abundant love, who longs to feel cherished? Just as the masculine needs to feel trapped in order to feel a significant mission of importance, the feminine needs to feel unloved in order to take part in the heart-tugging drama of securing self-worth.

What is there to do if you are so full as love that more love isn’t possible? If you truly trusted love abounding as all of life, then what would occupy your emotions? Unending and all-abundant love is the end of the feminine drama.

So, if you have a feminine essence, you will test love. Sabotage love. Deny love. You yearn to feel love withstanding your tests, rebounding from your sabotages, asserting itself through your denials. You want to feel your lover loving you even when you resist your lover. Especially when you resist. “You don’t love me,” you will say, only hoping your lover says, “Yes I do love you.” “Leave me alone,” you will say, as you close the door to your room, hoping that your lover enters. Abundant love isn’t sufficient. It is love’s persistence in the face of your denial that affords your valued pleasure. The feminine drama is about love conquering unlove.

A good love story requires that love be somehow threatened—perhaps by death, betrayal, denial, or tragic coincidence. In a fulfilling love story, love prevails. The feminine drama is about the triumph of love over loss, just as the masculine adventure is about breaking out of constraint into freedom. Love and freedom describe your true nature, but yearning and struggle describe the story of your life. It is a lie that sustains your place in time.

You may feel angry because your heart is hurt by unlove or trapped by life’s obligations, but you can choose to go deeper than your life story, right now. You can use the energy of your anger to cut through the momentum and plunge to the heart of this moment. Rather than projecting blame and hope toward people and life—as if your relationships and plans can ever truly fulfill you—feel into the deepest desire of your heart, and obey your depth.

Feel your heart beating. Feel deeper than your beating heart, into love’s depth. Feel so deep inside that you feel unendingly open. Really try doing this, now, even if you are angry, hurt, or frustrated. Whatever you feel in your heart, feel deeper, as deep as your feeling can feel.

As you feel into the unending open of depth, feel every single thing that occurs—your thoughts, your breath, the ground beneath your feet, the sky above you. Allow everything to flush the moment open with fragrance, memory, emotion, sensation, color, and sound. Feel open as the full moment, now.

Feel how long “now” lasts. Feel how long you are now. Feel as the entire now, as deep inside as you can, as far outward as you can, for as long as now opens. Feel every part of the entire moment, just as it is, as deep and wide as you can feel.

Relax open so you can feel open as this entire moment.

The love for which you long, the freedom for which you aim, is alive as you are open, now.

Blue Truth by David Deida

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